Different Types of Mate Poaching, Which One Are You?

In the immortal words of Avril Lavigne: “Hey hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend / No way, no way, I think you need a new one / Hey hey, you you, I could be your girlfriend...”

Do I need to apologize for subjecting you to that? I almost feel as if I do. But it serves my point, I swear. Let’s say that the song was not titled “Girlfriend,” but instead was called “Mate Poaching.” Admittedly, it doesn’t really have the same ring to it, but that is essentially what she’s talking about.

Most women would probably admit that at some point in their life, they have been attracted to someone who is already in a relationship, but they would never think of trying to do anything to lure the man away from his mate.  However, for some women, they only seek out committed men to have a relationship with.

Mate Poaching is a term coined by David Buss several years ago in his book entitled “Evolution of Desire” that defines the behavior of men and women who purposely seek out people in a committed relationship.

A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology by Oklahoma State University found that 90% of single women said they would pursue the man knowing he was not single.

Why do women Mate Poach?  There are several perceived benefits such as the excitement of an affair, the feeling of being “chosen” over someone else, being lavished with expensive gifts, and the feelings of power and control because there is no commitment on the part of the “poacher”.  Although some of these women may say they don’t need a man, most do desire a committed relationship and there are three reasons that may contribute to a woman engaging in Mate Poaching.

• Low Self Esteem – Women with low self-esteem oftentimes have a belief that they are not good enough to be “the wife”.  Sometimes, they have been abused or mistreated in a relationship so their defense mechanism against being hurt again is to seek after relationships they know will not be a committed one.  The woman may also relate her self worth to her appearance so she will feel good about herself when she can successfully “catch” a committed man. 
• Sex Addiction – For women who are sex addicts, Mate Poaching is a behavior they want to stop doing, but are unable to stop without help through therapy.  There are several factors that contribute to a women becoming a sex addict including childhood sexual abuse.  Sex addicts may feel guilty and ashamed, but will continue Mate Poaching even after suffering bad consequences unless they seek professional help.
• Power & Control – Some women will say they Mate Poach because they like being the “one in control” of the relationship…that they can “leave it anytime they want” and there are no “strings attached”.  The truth is that when a person must feel like they are in “control” of a relationship, it is usually because they have a fear of abandonment or commitment.  They may have a need to feel safe because they have been abused or hurt in the past and so they think if they “control” a man, they feel safe.  In reality, the woman engaging in “Mate Poaching” is controlled by the desires of the married man. He is the one who chooses when to see her, if he will leave his partner, and is usually the one who ends the affair

 There are also various and escalating strategies that poachers use to capture and keep their prey.

• “Pollyanna” Strategy: The poacher shyly makes eye contact. “I have so much to learn from you,” she’ll simper. Or, “All I want is to make your life easier,” she’ll offer with an adoring smile. She’ll unexpectedly drop-in on the target for a quick daily connection, or send cutesie emails and admiring texts that have nothing to do with work. (What married man doesn’t want someone who makes him feel important and smart and who offers to make his life easier?)

• “Family Friend” Strategy: A poacher insinuates herself into the personal life of the target (think nannies, but not limited to). She calculatedly befriends the target’s wife, children, parents and friends; keeping her eye on the prize, your husband and his income.

• “We’re Just Colleagues” Strategy: Long hours working on a project, whether it be with a woman of equal or lesser professional status translates into meals, drinks, and business trips that look and sound like innocent work encounters. Nothing he couldn’t tell you about—yet. But he doesn’t. That’s how an emotional affair begins. The poacher persuades the target that he’s unhappy with his wife. Add a touch on the arm; deep soulful eye contact, whispers and murmurs of agreement and understanding. Sexual tension crackles. They’re not actually having sex, but she’s in his head, and you, the wife, are not.

In Japan, they have “conversation girls,” where wealthy Japanese men pay to “talk” to a woman for the evening. A poacher uses flirtatious conversation over a long period of time to worm her way into the heart and fantasies of your husband.

• The “Gym/Yoga/Pilates Temptress” Strategy: An aggressive strategy in which the poacher moves quickly: she’s an instructor, fellow gym rat or classmate. Tight-fitting workout clothes, hands-on adjustments, sexually suggestive positions, fantasy-inducing conversations about meditation, tantric sex, or yogasms abound. Add lots of leaning in, brushing against, and lip moistening to make the target feel desired, virile, young and strong, plus invitations to meet for drinks after class, and he’s almost cooked.

• “Free Spirit” Strategy: She’s the solution to her target’s burdened feelings of family obligation, boredom or neglect. She’s available whenever he wants her. (One yoga instructor was so determined to poach a male client who’s wife was battling a terrible illness, that she arranged to be in the same city, 3,000 miles away when her target was on a business trip. She invited him for drinks at her hotel bar, a drink in her room. He was flattered. Her strategy worked. After all, she’d made a superhuman effort to be available to him when his wife could not.)

• “Non-Exclusive Strategy”: When the target hasn’t made sufficient progress in leaving his wife and family, a poacher lets her target know that she’s seeing other men, and that she’s not exclusively his. She wants to make him jealous so he’ll demand that she see only him. AND she’s hoping to make sure that the target no longer sleeps with his wife. Sometimes this works. With some targets, it backfires. And when it backfires, the poacher will have to take drastic measures, which, from this point on, rarely work.

• “Ultimatum Strategy”: A poacher decides she’s ready for her “real life” with the target to begin; she’s done everything he’s wanted for as long as she can. After all, maybe he’s attended her birthday party when his wife is in the hospital; socialized with her friends or family instead of spending time with his own; taken her on trips, paying for expensive restaurants, hotels, and concerts.

She believes this means he’s genuinely hers. She may even pretend that she’s already his wife. (Like ordering expensive in-room massages or room service and signing her name with his last name - In the case of "Harlot", she made him a video messages and cake on my fiance birthday thinking she is the girlfriend). She demands (sweetly) that he spend more leisure time with her—holidays, weekends; that he move out from his family home so they can be happy together; that he make good on all the “promises” she believes he’s made.

At this point the target realizes the poacher wants a marriage. And he’s already got one. Fantasy over. The target ends the affair. The poacher realizes her mistake. She’s come on too strong. So she backpedals…

• “Happy Place Retreat” Strategy: Once again the poacher becomes the breezy, carefree woman she pretended to be in the beginning. She offers a happy-place bubble where the rest of the world doesn’t have to ever intrude. She sends him funny or sexually suggestive emails and links designed to get him thinking about sex and fun times with her. She sends him “articles” that she’s written specifically with him in mind about love and life and fear of being trapped, and how happiness can only come with change—translation: moving in with her. She texts and calls him daily, pretending he hasn’t ended the relationship. A committed poacher is unfazed by the target’s lack of response.

• “Poor Me” Strategy: She texts the target nonstop, pleading with him to come to her aid in whatever emotional or physical crisis she manufactures. She leaves piteous voice mails and sends guilt-inducing emails, outlining how she’s fallen desperately ill, she can’t sleep, she can’t eat, and all because she loves him and because he won’t return her missives. She sends numerous invitations to attend a milestone birthday, a family party, or some event she was sure he’d promised to attend while they were involved.

She cries to her friends, her parents (who are usually divorced), and pretty much anyone who’ll listen. She’s been had. She’s a victim. The target promised to love her, marry her, spend his life with her—and he reneged. (Isn’t it ironic?) In desperation, the poacher escalates her contact efforts, including hang-up phone calls to the target’s wife. She wants the target and his wife to acknowledge that she’s the wronged party here.

• “I Want Closure” Strategy: Desperate to connect to the target, she writes him a long and soulful letter or email (a text would be too long). Some of the stock phrases of this strategy are: “I’ve always been kind and there for you. How can you hurt me this way?” “How can the gentle, loving man I know treat me this way?” “I gave you the best years of my life,” (the irony seems lost on the poacher). “After all we’ve done together—we danced, we laughed, and all our amazing lovemaking—how can you leave me without a word?”

She clings to the belief that he’ll walk back into her life (cue Vicki Carr’s song, “Let It Please Be Him”). She reminds him of his promises (most of which were probably in her head) that he would be with her forever (sigh). She’s “waited years for her real life to begin,” and he “owes her a final response” (Sigh again.) She also casually mentions that she’s seeing someone new, just in case she can re-ignite his passion by creating a jealous spark.

• “Social Media” Strategy: This lets everyone know that she’s the wronged party in a relationship. She posts sad quotes by famous people about the cruelty of loving and lying and betrayal. (Even Bible posts) She posts pictures of how she’s moved on–parties, concerts, trips—where she’s draped over men she’s having casual sex with, secretly hoping the target will catch a glimpse and want her again.

• “Bunny-Boiler” Strategy: Named for the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction, the poacher leaps from passive to crazy stalker: she leaves dead animals on the target’s doorstep for his wife to find; calls the target’s home nonstop, muttering threats and epithets when the wife answers. She has her friends contact the target to get together so she can “accidentally” show up. Not a successful strategy by any means.

So which one are you, harlot?

Consent and Ignorance

In this age of social media, we can post whatever we want to our heart's content. We can messages whomever we want. I have been messaged by various dummy accounts and all my social media apps and emails username and password I give to my Fiance so that when some unwanted messages come through he will be the first to read and delete.

My fiance has, it was difficult to say what she is, but let just say some lovesick woman who is so fond of posting his pictures, his mannerism, his activities. I asked this of him and said that she is cray-cray and she will soon get tired of it. 

Everytime the other woman post something in her walls, I reported to my fiance. And he was always surprised to know that his pictures is being posted. Even the comments, according to him is a little bit extreme. As is the case on his birthday. Really! The nerve! This ladies and gentlemen is the example of a desperate woman who thought that she is the one who can give my fiance everything. My fiance being the wise man choose diamond over that of glitter. Why would she choose a woman so weak who will take the first pill that comes along her path? In this case the pill is my fiance, because my fiance is plagued with homesickness, she took advantage of that weakness.

According to him the "not need to say much just carry on"is he no longer want to carry on with the other woman as she is becoming aggressive

There are many more of this, but I need not post it here in this particular post. 

All I can say is, if you want other woman to emulate you, don't be the reason that two people who took their time to work their relationship end up lonely because of your own gain. Don't be a seducer! You must have self-integrity! Be a God pleaser as you always preach! Don't become a test and a devil advocate. You never did have a test or trials because you are the one who perpetuate the test and trials. Not only you lose the friendship you had with my fiance, you also lose any respect he had for you.